Forget Him Not

Three months since Griffin passed away.  The hurt is indescribable.  Tears well even as I write this.  It is beginning to be a struggle not to deny my pain, push it down lest it own me.  I am trying with all my might to hold it in equanimity.

Griffin's 21st Birthday

The choice to deny or be engulfed is nearly instinctual.  And I find myself more often trying to forget.  Forget that Griffin died.  Forget that he won't be there when I get home tonight.  Forget that he won't be riding next to me in the golf cart, smoking a stogie.  Just. Forget. It. All.

But forgetting is tragic. In the forgetting Griffin is lost to me.

I feel I have to find some way to root my pain out of my subconscious so it doesn’t leaven every thought, every conversation, every relationship I have without me being aware.  Better that it be a part of my conscious thinking.  I can examine it, understand it and keep the pain from owning me. 

I must instead own my pain and let it remind me of my great love for Griffin.